It's official. Fridays are never meant to put a smile on my face. Sigh.


Partly due to moodswings, I get increasingly annoyed at the littlest thing. The two aren't doing much to lift up my mood, apart from making my hair into a mess of hard substance with wax and water.


And there's the problem of unwanted attention that needs more than just being fob off. Seriously, things are building up and getting on my fucking nerves. Two unwanted attentions that I felt like drowning them in the Singapore River. To add salt to it nobody's out to save me. God help me.


Sigh. I am seriously going for retail therapy tomorrow because all that cliched I-need-to-talk-it-off never have worked. Why? After outbursts I'm just there to be judged on my maturity and ability to handle all these petty things that cumulated into a giant tsunami threatening my patience aren't I? Judgmental , we are.

How fucking annoying. -.- Fridays have never been good, and I doubt will ever be. Irritation just grows over time and I so wanted to do what I used to to release this tension coiled inside.

Oh Allah why must I always be angsty on this day is totally beyond my understanding.
I keep telling myself there's a silver lining behind every bad but somehow for this I just cannot comprehend.

I pray He will calm me.

ofblack&white
10:40 PM

'Twas a day filled with very lazy activities. Lazy for sloth-y people. I awoke early to pay car bills and had Big Breakfast before that. Fulfilling please! And I cycled off the food, exploring the area here and there with DT blasting in my ears. Sweeet music. Cashed in the cheque (however you spell that) and went to the neighbourhood hairdresser. Love the old lady.

She kind of gave me a sex change. ) : I don't know about it but one thing for sure I don't have the looks of a boy. Sigh. Partly my fault since I told her to cut it "short and sharp". Her interpretation of it is different than mine obviously.


I have no qualms about it, actually I kinda like it. Short no frills especially in this erratic weather. But SOMEONE apparently had to say that this hair is short in a tomboy way not the old girly short I used to wear. Ok not trying to get you guilty but now I feel like a boy please. Sigh. Nevermind, few months is all it takes to grow.
Hopefully the face is pretty enough HAHA. Ok maybe not. Yah stop pretending to gag.


I have to make this rule with my students. That they should tell me a day's advance if they were to cancel. Apparently today I am as free as a bird. Hahah not much of a problem to me, thank goodness for Jill Mansell. Going to attack Michael Conelly's Bloodwork and maybe the Harry Potters! (:


Ya Allah I'm still as emo as before. Haha must really snap out of it. Haha I hope my period comes before I really die from all this PMS moodswings. Scary huh. Girls have to go through so much unlike the males.



I do magic, with cards and sometimes coins.

But to me, the most magical thing I could ever do is to make you smile.

ofblack&white
8:27 PM

Tuition stint became a walkabout, ordering Macs, shitting in the loo and all the nonsense only Munirah Razak can think of. Honestly, I think she can only study at my house or maybe hers. Oh well. She can be annoyingly bitchy once she found something which she could eternally blackmail me for. Fiiiiiisshh!


Yesterday my primary schoolers and I went to the playground/fitness corner and do the most stupidest things and recording them, like attempting to execute gymnastic moves on the pull up poles, jumping and (attempted to) dance on the balancing beam was hilarious. See them do the monkey bars please. All they had to do was tiptoe to reach the handles. So annoying please, I felt horribly short and they had to ridicule me. =.- To think I treated them to costly ice-creams and all.



So yes today I taught Mun a BIT. See it as an extra, says she. Will have a proper session soon. She and her angsty moments hahaha. The Touch girls are getting a little too touchy with the recruitment but hopefully things'll work out fine. So, we have enough players to play the full-field today. Wow like first time! Eleven aside. Was so happy please. Drills and drills, passing, running with the ball, support and all. Nurul came ((: She slimmed down, and it really suited her. Haha! It ended late and I had to cab down to Kembangan.

Sigh. I wonder when I can really build up my stamina enough so that I can join them for PT.



Anyway don't bother about me Naz I'm fine and dandy, just going through some stupid phase in life(emo periods please). HAHA. Oh and pardon me if I seemingly not reply in MSN. I DID, my msn just wants to be annoying. Talking about annoying, just now during a short water break I turned around and Syahril materialised infront of me (Charmed-style) with arms wide open and that smile of his. Haha sucha shock! He looks better when he had passed the stubble stage of botakness. Such a nice feel to hug old friends and squeal at their abrupt physical existence in your life ((:




You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
When you were an island to discover

ofblack&white
10:49 PM

Sedarkan aku Tuhan
Dia bukan milikku
Biarkan waktu, waktu
Hapus aku.

ofblack&white
1:29 PM

I had quite a weekend and anyway the lazy bones seemed to work their way into my mind.


Anyway where do I start? I was exhausted on the Friday night that I slept long hours. Really, looong hours. Haha! My parents had to drag me out for brunch at Geylang, of all places really. I was glad I wasn't sold (unlike someone who goes there almost every week). We head down to Arab Street and had prayers at Sultan Mosque. Quite a grand place, love it. Shop and shop. Then off to Suntec. Really, my parents have such a fascination for the City/Town area which I can't fathom. I thought when age creeps in you would prefer the greenery instead of neck-breaking infrastructure.


What was worse is that they decided to go to the Natas (or whatever) fair. All about traveling. Ok the pro to it was that I collected quite a number of brochures for cheap Malaysian hotels (where we could go in June!) and well... maybe some sweets tasting. Other than that it really felt like the whole African population is crammed into that minute space. God! Talk about being in a can. I so hate crowded places. I appreciate expanse.



Anyway grabbed a cuppa Macchiato and rushed home, then gotten ready. And typically, I'm late. So TPJC alumni band was nice! I love love their song selection (and them playing of course). I like the Lion King highlights and I went "ibunyamatikeranabapanya" chant and got us giggling like idiots. Then ANASTASSIA appeared infront of me, as if she learned how to warp harry Potter style. We talked, like any old friends would. She went home, we waited for my bus and then waved him bye LOL.



My Sunday was serene. Apart from the fact that I brought the curtains down at madrasah. I was suppose to pull the blinds so as to cover the window but apparently I have the Thing in me and it just crashed down infront of me. So we had Arab in the hallway. Yah elf go laugh lah. At least not as funny as the way YOU walk. Haha!



So I woke up for prayers, slept back and up and bouncy by 1030. I was mother hungry please, so a very quick decision of breakfast somewhere (my house is like a desert thank you, with only cacti to eat) got me scrambling on my repaired bicycle and heading to Macs behind my house. Big Breakfast and cat-watching does a whole lot of good. Chores then head to school for some teaching.


On the way home with Eunice and Zarifah and we talked about Graduation and leaving the school. Separation. Haha I have to admit it was very painful for me. You know, the routine of having your closest friends around every damn day going for drabby lectures and rushing the hell through homeworks, bitching and doing silly things. It's hard to break that habit and I still missed school and that comfort of knowing the faces passing around. Change is a constant, as we know. I just wished it wasn't because I get attached and adapted to a place quickly and tearing myself away is hard. Sigh.


But one thing that still hurt was this, says I. To have the person you have loved for more than 720 days or 24 months(in short 2 years!), always there beside you in front of you EVERYWHERE, suddenly missing after the last paper (or maybe earlier?) is what I felt the worse. Haha! Like the sun stopped shining. I felt so void at that moment it could rival the Great Depression of 1929 (I THINK that's the date LOL).

And still do. Haha! So silly please.

I hope it rains more often. Mayyee must have been singing in the showers today, since it was pelting in the morning.



Come on in,
I’ve got to tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve got to tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign


And I'm tired, I should not have let you go.

ofblack&white
10:58 PM

I had a massive 12 month pregnancy craving for chicken chops from Mak's. So after tuition I went to get it. God, I have to stop all these pregnancy cravings (no doubt got it from Nazatul Fadzlin Fadil) or else I will seriously suffer financially (I think I already have).


Anyway I felt like a robber again. You know, squatting outside the apartment gate sawing the ass of the bicycle chain. It's MY bicycle, the key was bent/spoilt/rusty no thanks to big brother. Oh well, a girl's got to do what she's got to do to save money on TRANSPORTATION, WHICH IS KILLING ME. Three months of no student concession or fare is really really taking a toll on me. I am used to happily getting of the bus if I feel like it. What more I'm travelling alot for tuition. SO now, I can cycle to Bedok and Kembangan. Hiphip hurray! Saved 2.60$ on to and fro rides.
I wished I can cycle to AMK. LOL.


I am seriously PMS-y these days no thanks to the raging hormones in the body. And I thought those periods of angst are over. Anyway, I've chanced upon quite a number of 12-15 year old blogs and most are "so gloomy I felt like jumping off the bridge" (quotes Simon Cowell). Seriously all those things about wanting to be alone, being a loner, not needing anyone else, I-hate-the-world-and-myself bull are kind of overrated. Like if everyone's hating a world, I wonder how come the WWIII haven't erupted just yet. Haha!


I opened up my 'treasure trove' to read a certain someone's letter to me. Quite recent as compared to the others. I cannot find the words for it, even after reading it for the thousandth time. I suppose you're really mature about it (although you seemed otherwise outside haha!) and am glad you took things into your stride. ((:


"A quarrel between best friends, when made up, adds on to a new friendship"
This was from my primary schooler. How lovely.

ofblack&white
11:46 AM

Yesterday was a record-breaking day, where the sign-up list for soccer was spilling. 40 or so signed up. Good God. Though I made a bet that only 20+ will turn up. Personally feel even that 20 is bit too much, yes there's the impersonal feelings, management problems, and whatever you might have in diseconomies of scale that you can relate. Cliques forming and such. Oh well. Still, very happy with the warm response (:


ANYWAY went to BAGUS for yongtaufu lunch. Apparently Hamzah's first time eating that, such a noob please. Haha then head off to school! Went to B4-11 and man I am slightly miffed by the changing of tables. =/ I like the old messiness of those grey tables where we can vandalise easily. Haha remembering the few of us studying there blasting songs and such. How I missed such times! LOL.


Followed Kat to her house for her to change into pt attire. Whilst waiting, kept myself busy with cats. There's truckloads of them in her area. And KITTENS PRANCING AROUND LIKE LITTLE LAMBS. Even that stone-hearted Zhong melted. They had a short meeting haha and the three of us were reminiscing meetings with Francine in control, which is usually a 'snap' thing (meaning very fast, prompt, precise). Had a game with the year ones combined at the D. Many moments when I slipped, very scary.



There are many instances when things don't go our way, or just not the way we like them to be. Many times when you wished things were otherwise and such. I've grown slightly out of being a spoilt brat and wanting just what I want (this applies emotionally so if I get a new bag out of impulse, don't use this against me ok). I used to moan like a sex queen about it but well now, maybe I learn to be more appreciative. Take things as it is and if it was never meant to be mine, then like I often wrote these days, God has His plans for me, and I will never doubt Him on this. A silver lining.


Went home yesterday with The Scientist in my ears and me singing out loud in that slow drizzle. Such a romantic walk alone with nature. Haha! With trees lining the pathway. I love that stretch outside the ITE. Lovely.

Oh, Mun is now my student. Let's hope I can do it.



Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

ofblack&white
1:13 PM

I had pool session just now and boy was he good. I don't care, I'm playing every week to hon whatever talent I have and drive out the truckload of lousiness in me. The times I won was when Zul put in the black ball by accident, others he won by pure skill. Shucks hah.


Met Fiona after tuition about 10. Apparently she's applying for uni also. Wonder why she did not want to permanently continue to climb up that ladder. Great girl.


Alot of things to wonder, and wonder, and wonder. Of possibilities, unthinkables, of mistakes, righteousness. Sigh. I wonder,
if only. But nothing goes our way in life, and maybe God has His plans for us. I'll leave it to him. But still.


See, now is the EMO period.

ofblack&white
10:46 PM

I feel random right now so I had to post an entry. I'm currently hooked to power metal, quite a switch from Britrock and progressive metal. And boy it is a joy to listen, especially Tony Kakko! Excuse his odd name for he is Finnish after all (where the IKEA stuff come from LOL). He's got that soaring vocal fitting for that genre and he is good-looking in that chiselled sense, not your typical boring floppish or spiky-haired boyband(in this I include those like Good Charlotte Fall Out Boy etc. The ones that so love to attract attention by being 'over' in more ways than one. Crashing guitars into amps is so uncool and immature, thinks I haha). Sorry, I'm not picking a fight, merely stating my opinion, which is a right I am given by birth. =.-


Anyway my cousins are fantastic today. Did me proud by doing Math in the most un-primaryschooler way possible (by this I mean doing Math in a serious and curious way). Haha they never cease to amaze me, my darlings they are. Haha they messed with my hair and tied a fountain. Wtf moment lol.


Oh and Sonata Arctica (where Tony Kakko is from) is releasing an album late May, like 25th? Haha Unia is the name for it. Cannot wait. Plus Dream Theater's Systematic Chaos on 15th June. Hahah I'd burn my pockets for great music ((:
Pool tomorrow. And I have yet to finish the files. Aish.




I have a feeling you don't have the words.
I found one for you, kissed your cheeks, said bye and walk away
Don't look back 'cause I am crying.

ofblack&white
10:45 PM

Oh mon Dieu. I've gotten a second batch of files. ) : Ok now must do little at a time. Don't stress myself over it.


Tuition today. Almost forgotten how to teach LOL. It's just a week that I didn't. I got flustered trying to send 195 pictures to Syirah. Nearly died with all the zippings and attachments.


I miss A06. I miss 4j04 more. ) : Maybe we should have a gathering. Must ask that Wong CC to organise one very soon.


I have this very very strong urge to go to the beach and take alot of photos. Wednesday, I think I should.



I hope your wish came true.
Mine betrayed me.

ofblack&white
11:07 AM

Good morning! It seemed like a mighty fine day to drone about the trip. Going to be lengthy and boring so if you are not up to it then skip! LOL.


------------------------------------------------

DAY 1

I woke up at 6.30 and typically rushed with the little bit of packing that I am left with, then off to DF1. Was not late, lucky. I felt slightly uneasy for I don't know most of them (Shazreen Banu Yusof decided to not go due to SPA -.-). Left the place about 8, with Hazirah beside me.

The checkpoint; never been to the 'manual' checkpoints before, really. Interesting. The long bus ride was spent with my cards, sleeping, Nana Tanjong, bickering/gossiping the likes. Prayers at a nearby mosque and reached the kampung at around 1 + nearing 2. Kinda gotten 'married', what's with all the kompangs and bunga rampai (is that what it's called?). Lunch was good! Distributed to respective families. I've gotten Farahyn and Hidayah. Cosy house with cute kittens! We've got bunk bed, I took the top while the two shared the bottom. Our foster mom's name is Rohana, and we've got a foster sister who's a power athlete. o.O


We went to Pak Halim's house, where Arwah Ustazah stayed when she was there. We read some prayers and Farahyn and I tried teaching the cat there to read Yaasin. So cute the kitteh. there rabbits there, chickens, they were cooking lemang, played ball, lelopau. So many new things. ((: Went to my foster grandma's home, which is BIG I tell you. And she's alone. It was raining at that time and the effect's kind of creepy.

Bathed and had dinner once we got home. I tell you, the water is SO cold, I had to refrain from screaming. Went to the function hall. But before that, I witnessed something horrifying, like a cat being knocked down by a car. I saw it DIE in front of me. Really sad, with the blood coming out of its mouth. ) : Anyway function hall to listen to Ustazah Baayah talk. Got this little baby who unconsciously pointed the middle finger to me.


Slept like pigs when we reached home.


DAY 2


Hard time waking up and we round the area on scooter and bicycle. Visited Mashita's and Shaza's house for a while then had breakfast. Bathing in the morning was more of a killer. Haha! Oh ya did I tell you, they feed us 5 times a day. Breakfast, lunch, tea break, dinner, and supper. Yah I know. We kept telling each other to weigh ourselves. Alot of group photos when we're about to leave. We saw a distraught chicken who didn't know how to climb the fence. And we chased them alot. Little yellow chicks are abundant!


We left kampung Ulu Ladang and head for Kampung Bangkinang which is the short form for Bangkai Orang Minang (Minang tribe's corpse). Morbid I know. We also had a marriage-like welcome, haha! The food's damn spicy at this area. Watched dance performances, and I shared the house with Marini, and soon after Hasanah came to join. This house is somewhat... colder than the last. Most of us were of that opinion. I freaked Marini out with the cards hahaha, then we bothered kittens again. How wonderful that almost every household there are cats.


Anyway we went to the kampung's museum which held the oldest irons, typewriters, telephones. Those old old containers (tempayan), parangs, lighters, lamps, of all sorts. It's damn interesting please! There's a PINK four poster bed too. Some ancient musical instruments yadayada. ((: Then we head for the waterfall, I forgot its name. I didn't bathe there, just dipped my feet in and boy it was killer cold. I saw an annoying leech haha. Walking on the road was hard because there were many cow dungs to be side stepped. LOL.

Our night was spent playing games with the kampung kids. Funn.
It was a very cold night. Being gracious, I volunteered to sleep on the floor (there's only two beds and the other two are petrified of lizards). Haha, mosquitoes are a bother. Before that we had supper of banana cake and nescafe+milo mix. Sounds weird but definitely taste good.


DAY 3


Another hard time waking up. I don't have to wait for Persis to play on the phone, the rooster did the honours. And boy it's so noisy I felt like shooting it. Breakfast was Nasi Lemak as usual, and our foster mom's scrambled egg's damn fluffy, such a joy to eat. Bothered the cat one last time. I was rolling the pregnant one around and around on the floor. Wouldn't be surprised if the kittens are born drunk.


Packing and all, we head down to the orphanage for a while. Abang Idrus proved to be multi-talented yet again. he can play that... I don't know what instrument it's called. The one with many golden things and you had to strike it with a stick. Ha! After some touching speech we head off to Gunung Ledang Resort! Shared a room with Dayah and Farah again. Funns. It was melting to the point whereby Farah and I just parade in our room with a bra and our bottom. We tried superman, jumping on the bed and such.


Had late lunch then off to gunung ledang! We did flying fox first. The guys never screamed but us girls did, even the makcik and Kak Aisyah. We ran down to the waterfalls. Cold cold water but it was tons of joy and laughter. We pulled kak Nisha, Zirah, Fitri, and a few others in. Wrestling in the water, played stupid games and all. My ass itched because the coarse sand made it's way there. Went back, changed for dinner, and went to the Surau for prayers and Tahlil. We finished at 11. The stars in the sky was... phenomenal. The girls sat at the carpark, I was lying down for a while, staring at all of it. Mas and Farah pointed out the Big Dipper, the one with three stars in a row, what Nini told me as lucky stars to the Chinese. It's massive, thousands of it. I was in AWE.


Night was oooo. I don't know why but all the girls gathered in my room. With the exception of Bana, Jahan, kak Nisha, Fitri and Hasanah. We prank called, screamed, jumped whatev. Haha Abang Idrus had to come to our room to tell us that we're too noisy, the neighbours had complained. LOL. Played stress, magic, gossip here and there, the likes. They had to go by 2 due to orders. Haha Shamym and Marini just climbed over the balcony wall to their rooms. Zirah stayed over for the night, though she and Dayah slept early. Farah and I talked till 4. Found out we had quite somethings in common. She's a crazy girl who likes camwhoring and jumpshots as much as I do. And Metal. And books. ((:


DAY 4



Our last day. Had to be up by 5.45, tough job for me due to lack of sleep. Had morning prayers and talking in the morning. I was sleepy and afraid might fall alseep in the midst of sujud. Haha! But was wide awake when Marini pointed out a millipede to me. Anyway breakfast and off to the falls again! We tried jumpshots and one worked very nicely. It was quite a long climb this time. To the base camp where there were tons of NCC boys. Eee. We saw many pretty sights, saw a very big bat, soldier ants, and alot more. My slippers gave way. Lol. Yesterday's water seemed warm compared to this day's. It was frigid. Ice cold. Saw little fishes inside as well. (: I drank the water because I was uber thirsty. Brought about consequences later on. So after we're done and the rest were dawdling Farah Nini and I went down ourselves... and into the resort's swimming pool haha! The boys were showing off water polo and diving into the water.


Packed helter skelter and had Friday prayers and lunch. We didn't go for Friday prayers, the girls since the mosque had space for only men. Lol. Ayer Hitam for some shopping and back home to Singapore. We reached Masjid Kassim at about 9 plus. We hugged and kissed and said our goodbyes and went separate ways then.


It was indeed a very memorable trip. I left with strangers and came back with friends. ((: Learnt alot, physically, mentally, emotionally. Anyway the girls are Jahan Nisha Fitri Hidayah Mashita Shazalina Farahyn Marini Shamym Insyirah Hazirah Hasanah Shabana and me. Love love. ((:

------------------------------------------------


So yesterday, due to drinking of waterfall's er... water, I had a bad case of diarrhea in the wee morning and fever. Yet Nazatul Fadzlin binte Fadil had to force me out with Hamzah. I spent alot. Really alot and it scares me. We ate at Secret Recipe, Naz had a 12 month old pregnancy craving for it. Walked to Bugis and I got her a surprise belated gift. I told her that i need a bag and she asked for who. Then I was like, 'Myself lah, get for other people for what." I pretended to be so damn confused over what bag I should get and I asked for her opinion. She liked this one design then she asked me to get it since it's nice. I went doubtful and then I bought it and gave it to her. Haha her face was funny.


I slept at nine, and woke up at 11 after morning prayers. Yah. Thankfully fever's down. Yay.

ofblack&white
11:10 AM

BACK (with scratches, muscle aches, and 34786 mosquito bites). 'Twas a fantastic memorable trip I've ever had, because there's many learning points at every turn that I make (like cows like to sleep in the middle of the road at night and shit freely...).


Will talk about it at a better day, I'm worn out really. Had a looooooooong day today, what's with screaming and talking till 4, waking up at 530, climbing up Mt Ophir for the pathetic excuse of a nice soak in the falls, etc. It was an eye-opener and a humbling experience, staying in wooden kampung houses which creaked at every step. Fog/mist (however you differentiate them) in the morning hours, the lame fun of chasing chickens and bothering the hell out of them, seeing the universe spread right before your eyes at night with the stars spanning the whole sky, side-stepping cow dung which was at such an abundance on the road is just something you won't get in Singapore (especially separate shower and toilets and the no-heater conditions).


And most importantly, I brought home the thought that once again, I am just too naive for my own good. That I took things at face value. Yes, there goes the cliche "Looks can be deceiving". I had learn to run away from unwanted attention too! Fucking disgusted on my part but oh well. It's quite hilarious when I look back. yada yada.


No more sleeping on thin mattresses and bunks, I have one to myself for today. Yay.


Tu me manques. (:

ofblack&white
10:42 PM

Whole day out provides some breather.


Picked up meepok at school and went Kovan to have lunch with Kat as well. Naturally late. Get Zhong's clips and Kat's ankle guard then we went to make the cute painty thing. Plastic art or something. So fun! The child in me came out today lol. I coloured a train whereas Kat a dinosaur and Zhong a girl without feet.


Soccer was ok, fun amongst us. Here and there. My forehead and eye hurts due to (failed) heading attempts. Oh well.


My brother really knows how to annoy the hell out of me. I hate.


But the hurt lingers on. I don't know how to handle this kind of situation. Sucks actually.
And when I really feel I can sleep right now, I can't because I haven't packed.


And all I need is a good cry.

ofblack&white
8:51 PM

Shucks. I feel like deleting the previous post, you know, getting flustered over files. Better not though. Serve as a reminder for that kind of immaturity. HAHA. I feel incredibly stupid, especially after I made elf bit(or alot I wouldn't know) pissed. Aish.


ANYWAY. Haha I went NUS open house today, due to unforseen circumstances that impeded my visit yesterday. Grabbed freebies like how a typical Singaporean auntie would go about the supermart that's having free samples all over (went through that in ChiangMai LOL).


Then the two of us head down to Beach Road to get his supplies, then off cabbing to TM to meet Mr Policeman at Starbucks. Such nice times. LOL.



I'm starting to get ear infection I think. Haha! Explaining an Inflation over the phone DOES brought about memories. I don't know if I had made Mima more confused or enlightened than before but I hope it's the latter.


I want to sleep. Shutting down at 0330 hours last night brought about horrible consequences, like depending on macchiatos to get my eyes opened.




Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Wounds that heal and cracks that fix


Tell me your own politik.

ofblack&white
10:07 PM

My God. I am really really THIS close to screaming and tearing every damn fucked piece of paper.


AAHHH I really cannot stand filing. My God whenever I see a dog's ear I feel like clawing the paper like how a dog would do. And all the papers around and the shit mess and I get really flustered and frustrated I want to just RANT. I cannot stand the sight of a crumpled/dirty paper because that's just me. I'm a damned bookworm and I love books so I can't STAND papers being treated that way that it just annoys the crap out of me seeing all those.


Argh. In the most irritable mood right now. I thought I could release some on someone but apparently she wasn't up to it, not that I blame her. Ah even Farna would just storm off when I'm like this. All I need is a good punch and a poor scape goat to lash out on. Ha like a coil wound up ready to spring out. What I neeeed right now is Qis or Matin to pick a damn argument with me so I could curse and swear and piss the fucking hell out of someone, anyone.


Ohmygodohmygod must really calm down and take the most deepest breath. But after the thousandth fucking breath I'm still this clammy and claustrophobic seeing all the fuck yellow files. AH I don't mind marking but not filing. Just not. FILING.


I so feel like dying it's beyond me. I know sounds petty ranting about files but there's a reason why I never hand them in everytime the teacher asked for it, since primary school (which led to the principal calling my parents down but I refused still). Argh I want to bite something or just kill the walls right now.



Need. TO. Get. OUT OF THIS. But I wouldn't run away from it anymore, because I wanna prove to myself that I wouldn't run away from a rut anymore. Shit lah. Times when I crave for a stupid puff to rid of this jitteriness.

Aiyah fuck lah. Must handle this in the most mature way. But hell, I think after a few days when I read back I'll think this is probably the most immature thing I had done. Maybe I need anger/frustration management before I screw up any friendship/relationship whatshithaveyou beyond repair. Aiya I hate it when frustration consumes the mind and heart, it just wiped away whatever rational thoughts I might possess and probably makes me want to go around stabbing people with parangs.

But in the meantime, screw filing and all the fucking punch holes and those stupid stupid horrid looking DOG EARS.

ofblack&white
12:24 AM

I hate this feeling. When there's the urge to post something up. I scrabbled and excitedly typed out the username and password. When I am in the 'Create Post' page the novelty disappears. Oh well.


I guess I'm heading to the Open House(s) with Ham only, since Naz's going with her Malay A friends and no word from Syahril. Haha. If Kat is pekcek (her current favourite word) then I'll probably have her join me. Talking about Hamzah he had to do his 24 click(km) routh march today. Gosh the times when I am glad of my gender.


Anyway, not that I mind whatever company bestowed upon me. Haha. Of Dilemma. Choices have consequences, as one said. I always make rash choices (remember your MEMBABI BUTA? Lol) but I am determined to not, do, anything, STUPID. Hard to not since I've been doing that for the last eighteen years or so. BLABLA.


I want to have a caramel frap or macchiato.
(: With cheesecakes!


It is really nice to own a cat, whom I can talk to, tickle, love, bother, and such. ) :
Why must the Dad be scared of it, God knows. SIGH. i would love such a furry company (no Dad I don't want those which require batteries to operate =.-)


The coffeeshop I frequent behind my house close down.
Fridays are really not for me.



And finally I indulged in TV, American Idol are one of the few to be precise. And a bloody good singer, Sundance is out. I really wonder if viewers vote for looks or voice. Those who did the former are really, really, dumb.


Oh well. I got this off someone(if you're one with a CLEAN mind, I suggest you to not read it):
Procrastination is like masturbation. It feels good at the beginning, but then you realise you're only screwing yourself.

ofblack&white
11:18 PM

Gosh. It is really taking a toll on me.


The thought of... SIGH.


Anyway crave for the day is fish and chips, with cheese fries. Yah I know I sound like someone who haven't eaten for 10 years but I'm hungry. Really really hungry. I never had breakfast for months on end so my lunches always have to be grand. ) :


Ay, I wished Ham Naz and Syah's free tomorrow so we can meet, go open houses, watch movies and be merry.



Since nobody's free on Monday, I'll spend it by the waterbreaks, soak some sun up (as if I'm not dark enough) with a jolly good book to read. Pray the weather's fine!



But still those days
Those lonely days

Go on and on.

ofblack&white
10:31 AM

Wow. I slept from 12 to 12 last night. talk about refreshed. Anyway still hurting, though not as bad. Just now, while I was in the loo, I SWAYED. You know, like a tree. I thought maybe I was about to faint again but thankfully it was just the vibrations of an earthquake thousands of miles away.

I wonder if I'd prefer fainting to earthquakes. Oh well.
(Maybe Cj or meepok fell, that's why.)

I watched two movies today; Running Wild and 100 Days With Mr Arrogant. The first was a thriller with many gunshots and blood to keep me watching. The second was such a cute CUTE show. A must watch!




Cj came for dinner today and boy, it made me wonder just how MUCH she can eat. And she really polished off the rice from the rice cooker. Like CLEAN ah. That amount that I cooked in the afternoon was always more than enough for my brother dad and I. And she finished it off just like... THAT. Anyway sweet of her to remember my favourite bubble tea haha. (:

Gotten binomial distribution down with her, left about 11 or so. I read the yesterday's Newpaper. Had an article about the A Levels. Quite a hilarious read, about RJCians crying over results like AAAC. 'the fuck, yea same sentiments. Like they couldn't be grateful over what was given. HAHA.




After a few months of NOT being in love with you I thought it was fine to 'venture', I should say. Sneak peek at old pikturez and long-forgotten videos, letters, whatsnots. The old photo up on my board holds no meaning any longer. Yet, what I dug out still felt raw to me. Like, ripping out old wounds. But this time not as painful. Not anymore.

Maybe I've really moved on.


Haha that was something I would normally restrict to private but somehow there's the urge to let the random reader(if anyone is reading anyway LOL) know that there's more to the smiling-always-laughing-and-joking girl.

Anyway the privilege(er if you feel privilege) few would know who.


Should sleep. I'll be meeting Michlai tomorrow. (:


Say I'm going to buy a gun and
start a war.
If you could tell me something
worth fighting for.

ofblack&white
12:44 AM

Well, I have to give it to God for making everything run like clockwork. I am thankful Naz isn't over right now because my left side hurts like fuck. I told my mum and she asked me if it felt like a sharp stab on the left near the hip, and could say matter-of-factly that it's probably my appendix kicking a scene. Nuisance. =.-


But boy does it hurts; I felt my ears buzzing slightly with my eyesight dimmed and I just had to get out of tuition just now. Hahah. It's quite funny, to think of it, while teaching the primary schooler you suddenly gave a short yelp of pain. It happened quite oft just now so I think Sabrina should be used to it.




Sigh. It stabs as I type. Really got to immerse myself in some activities. Maybe it's time to start on the dvds, before my mum whisk me away for coffee at 2. I could do with a cuppa, maybe, at the airpork.




And they were all yellow.

ofblack&white
10:45 PM

Yaya papaya happy with stable internet connection. I've been on the computer for hours and I can feel my eyes deteriorating as I type. Boy, I need glasses as thick as milk bottles next.



I didn't do much today, practically laze around like a sloth. It was raining again and thank Dad who bought me my favourite Tomyam ban mian. Funny to see me sweat in a cold day. It was so damn spicy I had to eat Cornettos to soothe that stinging sensation.


Anyway Naz thinks I'm sexy (plus she's preggies).


Ham was mournfully telling me someone in his bunk gotten 7 distinctions! Crazy! But well, at the end of the day, the results don't determine how you are as a person (quotes from Nur Qistina Syamilah). And as long as you're satisfied with it, it's all good!


I want to catch Dream Girls (since Beyonce's in it). The soundtracks are wonderful as it is.


Long day tomorrow, so best to get off the computer now, lest it flipped on me again (it has staged more strikes than all the communists combined).






And I'm missing you beyond my wildest dreams.

ofblack&white
11:22 PM

Haha I've nothing to do at the moment. And I have to take advantage of the stable usable internet connection that I am granted currently.


So I borrowed enough Korean VCD/DVDs to last me two months please. All in a bag, stack and stack of series and movies. Delicious haha! Will tackel it with Naz when she sleeps over next week.


Made my way to TM and as usual I was late. Ham got a nice new phone (it was around yesterday but I just didn't notice it) and I didn't get a chance to camwhore LOL. Had cheesecakes and much-needed coffee with post A Level talks. Catching up on other people's results (it is human nature after all to be a busybody) and our options to get to wherever we want to. This and that, little here and there. Syahril was slightly miffed that we didn't call him along but I think it is a bit too last minute for anything. Besides, it was only for an hour or so.



It poured boys&girls just now. Went Downtown for dinner with Naz. Naz's ability to eat astounded me. She ate like a pregnant lady with all those yearnings to eat whatev. Haha quite a jolly affair with Aunty Ling and family. Brother joined slightly later. NEVER failing to annoy the hell out of me lol. What are siblings for.



Was home about eleven and I'm just off the phone with Kat. More of the catching-up-of-results, in-your-face situations (mr i'm-so-good-in-econs and her hard-working-but-didn't-paid-off-and-jealous-about-other-people friend and so on), again our chances and choices. Haha! An hour and a half on the phone with her roasted my ears.



Oh ya! I forgot to talk about meepok's phonecall. Haha I told her I failed every damned subject and she could believe. HAHA.



I think I should sleep. I don't want to be zoned out in class tomorrow. And TAN CHAI JING if you're reading this, please come over for dinner on TUESDAY. I hope I have enough rice for the rest of the year after your visit. And NAZ come on Monday ok then we can scrabble till the wee hours of the morning ((: And HAM and NAZ, Syahril and I planned for a movie out this coming Saturday, maybe after the open houses ok?

And MICHLAI I didn't say NTU WILL take me in, I just say I'm just quite confident. Please don't twist my words lest people think I'm cocky!! Haha you want my baby blue slippers to match your blue blouse and brackets? Haha!



Currently I'm riding on life's crest but everytime after a good spell the bad will come. I'd better enjoy before everything goes wrong.
Again.



cause in my mind I want you here
get on the next plane, I don't care
is it because I'm missing you
that i'm having deja vu

ofblack&white
12:30 AM

I didn't disappoint myself.

BCC does not sound fantastic to you, but it's really an achievement beyond belief for me. I never ever ever dreamt of a C for history. Never knew. I was ecstatic so to say. Tears mingled with joy, that my dream of getting into a university was finally realised. There's a small possibility that I cannot get into NUS, but I'm quite confident that NTU will take me in. But hell, as long as I can continue on to tertiary education (I don't mean polytechnic. I'm not looking down. Just that it is wasted to go there after 2 years in a jc). (:



I don't know how to express my feelings, or translate it into words haha. It's not something I'm good at (as seen in my C6 for GP =.-) Ah well. I really want to thank (now I sound like Miss Universe) the tutors in SRJC for whatev that they do lah.

And especially that someone who keeps telling me that I'll do fine, to stop worrying and stop spouting rubbish. (: Thank you for that believe in me HAHA.


Anyway the weather was so erratic! So hot one second and pouring the next. Hung about in school then went out with boyfriend. Go eat at KFC, suppose to buy a bag at Bugis but quite late already lol. Eat like MAN sia. And eat alot, even if that man say she's full. Ay the magic shop at Kovan closed down so I can't get my Vintage. Ah sad. Never mind, can wait till April.


I'm blogging over at Nadhrah's, my browser's a problem. Going out to meet him for coffee, then off to grandma's. And dinner at Downtown with family, Aunty Ling and family plus Naz along.



And my star is fading.

ofblack&white
2:10 PM

D-Day; Like doomsday no? Impending doom. Approaching disaster. Whatev.


I don't know how to describe that feeling. They said it's as if there's butterflies in the stomach. From the feel of it I have colony of moth and butterflies combined inside.


They said I'll do fine, have confidence in myself, relax, you'll make it. Bullshit. Sigh. I feel it's best to say that only you would know yourself well. The letter from NUS giving me the pin for admission seemed to mock me right now.


I'll probably be doing what Kat is; watching movies, game marathon, this and that. I just want to get out of house at this hour and converse with my little fat friends. I talked to one just now and all it did was look at me. Maybe that's all I need; an ear.


Let's breach on a more cheerful subject. A little jumbled-up-coloured kitten was at sight and I just wanted to scream. It is SO cute and SO pretty and it's innocence was oozing out. I let out my 4 ball and dropped it on the floor. It just looked at it with such curiosity oh Mon Dieu so so adorable. Then it gently pawed it. Haha. It came near my feet and I tapped them, and the CUTEST THING JUMPED. HAHA. It looked up at me then I tapped again and it stared at my feet, then back at me. SO CUTE I CAN'T STAND IT.


Evil though, I tickled the pretty little thing and it bit and scratched me. Haha I bothered it a coupla times because it's simply addictive and omg adorable. Now my right hand have alot of those funny faint scratchy lines.


AAAHHH. I had mon cheri called me just now because I'm feeling super jittery that it's hard to sit still. I was scolded because I worry too much. Haha what the hell can! Ya ya I'll tell you my results regardless how lousy it is. You'd better be there and console me if I burst into floods of tears. And DON'T say that I cry uglily =.-

'Tis cold day. I'm decked out like a Mount Everest Trekker minus oxygen tank.





You make the confusion go all away from this cold and messed up world.

ofblack&white
1:04 AM